Cougar guide older women dating younger men valerie gibson
Haven't we passed the era when an older woman with a younger man will attract shocked comments and glances? [Laughs] Put it up in lights: I'm dating 20 years younger, aren't I clever and everybody would applaud and celebrate that. This whole book is geared towards boosting older women's self-esteem. Also they're told that older people don't have sex or are not supposed to have sex. They've learned so much more: what they want, what other people want. This is another thing older women are told: Oh, when you get to a certain age you'll hit this and -- bang! I have women say to me: Oh, when I get to that age I won't want sex anymore, will I? People don't understand that at all and, for her, obviously, that relationship didn't work. well, in my day you see that's what you did: You married. He was everything the magazines said: six foot tall and handsome and a sweet person. And they were quite wealthy and he was quite worried so we got married. I'm dating two or three nice guys of all age groups.
According to Valerie Gibson, the relationships columnist for The Toronto Sun, and a self-acknowledged pioneer cougar, we have not. I really get very angry that older women are sort of told that they're not valuable. And I say: Excuse me, I hate to burst your bubble [Laughs] but I can tell you for sure that it goes rolling on. I must say, it's a weird thing -- and it's really just how it works out -- but I never date or have married any man with children. And what a smart girl: she didn't just keep going because he was so handsome, she just said: It's not right for me. Meeting people is a matter of personality and wanting to meet people. My father wouldn't let me move out of the house at all unless I was married. The fact that he was bisexual has got nothing to do with it. I would have married the first one and I might have married the fifth one. And if they've got any sense they won't marry you, because you're a bad wife.
At first take Cougar: A Guide For Older Women Dating Younger Men seems frivolous and perhaps even sexist. An older woman does not usually want children; she's probably got a couple. Doesn't want to do it again and may not even want marriage. -- than there is on this subject: older women dating younger men. They have everything: they have experience, they have knowledge, sophistication, they've learned so much, sexual skills particularly, when it comes to younger men. One of [the things I hear most in letters] is from guys who fear being rejected and they hate rejection. Dating includes rejection at every level, every age group no matter how beautiful you are. I've done my bit for marriage and the wedding cake business and all, I've done my bit. What I want now is someone who is supportive and can live with a media gal like myself. I'm out there on TV and doing many things and a lot of guys get competitive about that.
Do we, in this enlightened age, even need to spend time thinking about such things? Older man, younger woman and younger man, older woman. I find that horrifying because this is two single people enjoying each other, enjoying an alternative relationship, as they're known today -- and yet they're condemned for it. These are important things and they're misused by society [when women are] told they're not valuable. [Laughs] And they enjoy it [perhaps] more than younger people, because they know so much more. I just read somewhere that Brad Pitt got dumped by his first girlfriend. You can now: you can co-habit and nobody bothers about it. There was one husband, it was the second, I think, his parents said either we married or they cut him out of the will.
[Laughs] And: How would you like to meet my parents? I think the women like it: they love that kind of sleek, animal, predatory, in control of their life kind of image: I'm in control of all of this. They are generally very well dressed, very well put together and fit. And that's a long-term relationship: [Kurt Russell] is 15 years younger than her. Just one of those things: the British are like that.
It's a different lifestyle from the old days when they were encouraged -- older women -- to get to a certain point and then knit booties for their grandkids: Just disappear, please. My last husband -- my fifth husband -- was 14 years younger and it was a great relationship. It didn't break up for anything to do with sexuality or my age or anything. And look at the whole condemnation of society on that.
I want someone who is optimistic, full of life, got loads of stamina, very interested in sex, certainly non-jaded and looking forward to the future with optimism, which a lot of older people do not do. [Laughs] I actually pioneered -- not the name or anything, I didn't do that -- but sort of the whole concept of it. And always writing, even as a scuba diver I used to write for scuba magazines. They didn't allow women into the whole thing [then]. So it became sort of a long-term situation: you had to climb your way up. Chemistry may not be there then, but it may be there on the third date. And the other thing is, a lot of it is visual: Well, she's not my type. Because women can be very tough now: They have their list and their demands and if they don't get it they'll pretty well say: Well, I'm not going to date then, I'm not going to have a relationship. And, again, if it's not perfect pretty well right away, people just give up. And he'd be surprised: They shouldn't because you like men too much, you go out there spouting this, that and the other. So it's not difficult to meet men, they're everywhere! You said you meet guys all the time who want to date you: where do you meet them?
I was right in there a long time ago and thought it was the greatest. All these younger men were wanting to date me -- it's the other way around, by the way. Well, mind you I was a professional scuba diver for six years. I was an Avon sales representative for three years. These were all in between while I was moving countries. I was the first British woman to become a professional scuba diver in the world. And even when I went for my job as a journalist I was told they wouldn't hire me because they didn't hire women. My paper was called The Southampton Evening Echo and then was changed to The Southampton Daily Echo. Men want certain things, but they want a relationship: a life relationship.
The older woman learns from the younger man a helluva lot about what's happening in his world, which could be quite different from hers. [Laughs] You see, that illustrates my point exactly. Sexuality is not looks and it's not body, it's all a way of being. All of the things that, in the old days, young women married for. One of the major things is: How to meet his mother. When people get into relationships, especially young men when they have great sex -- or any man when he has great sex -- they're not thinking about whether or not she's got a stretch mark, they don't think about that. How you match up: compatibility and how much you like each other and get along. That you got together and pooled your resources or he had more money, well, they've got it. So they find with young men who haven't got a lot of money -- they haven't reached the peak of their careers yet -- that some people say: He's just after your money. Let's say you were single and let's say you were 41 or something. Particularly the baby boomers are not going to disappear. His job took him to New York and I couldn't go and we tried long distance. And, in fact, the relationship between an older woman and a younger man breaks up generally at her behest because she decides. Good sex and great relationships are not anything to do with looks in the end. All right, I know about Diana and [Camilla] was the mistress and all of that, but even if it wasn't like that, they would still condemn her because they feel she looks like the back of a bus and she's old and why can't he have a nice [girl] like Diana? [Laughs] Men, particularly of older ages, have never liked the idea of older women being in control. The whole of society resents women -- especially older women -- who have a lot of control. Actually the reaction to the book has been younger men. They want what they want and they're moving everything from health to attitudes to sexuality and they're saying: Excuse me, this is me. She says: Look, it's time you maybe had a family or whatever. Because they get terribly besotted with their older women and want to stay with them forever but there is that whole thing of babies and family and the mid-life crisis of the young man, maybe. It always irritates me when people say: You know, she's going to get older and saggy and... Because, as you know, when you get into a relationship with someone and you adore them or the sex is fabulous or whatever it is, you're not looking and saying: Oh, but look at the damn wrinkles! It may start out that way, but it's all to do with a lot of other complex factors. Have many of these people stopped to think: Well how come this man has had a 27-year relationship -- or more -- with this woman and he's so besotted with her? That they have control of their sexual lives, particularly, is a real taboo. History is full of women having to do certain things to survive, to have a roof over their heads, to be looked after, whatever. Women now know what to do to look after themselves. Overwhelmingly younger men all want to know: Where can I meet these cougars? [Laughs] You've got to understand really that, for a lot of men, and I'm not saying young or old, their first experience -- a lot of older men have told me -- was with an older woman. Of having this lovely, sexy woman all over them like a rash.
Their attitudes are very stale and they're often jaded by life. [Laughs] Because I'm quite a bit older than that age group. And finally they let me write up dog shows and baby shows and funerals, you know. And it's no good giving a stock answer: What you're doing is wrong, therefore you should do this. And our experiences seem to change a great deal, but often don't very much at all. Humans don't change: they want to be cherished, they want to be loved. And also the problem is they expect it to happen like that [she snaps her fingers]. [Laughs] Well, hello: you're not going to be able to date Mel Gibson. And I know a lot about people and relationships because I went out there and did it. They're intelligent and they really have that essence of vitality about them. I'm sure some of our readers would want to know: Where are you meeting all these guys? I'm not sure that a lot of young women really like men. They want a home or they want a family or they want some money or they want a lifestyle. And men and relationships -- or getting relationships -- is a lot of work. Do your attitudes strain your relationships with other women? Funnily enough, and I don't know why it is, but I have as many women friends and fans as I do men, because I like women too. That you can [spend time] with a man you have no intention of having a relationship with or dating and have a lovely, lovely evening. Is there underlying sexuality always in a male/female relationship? I've told these women when they write and say: Well, I go out with my friends and we never meet guys. Go out with one friend or go out on your own and you'll meet whoever you like because they won't go into a group.